In early October, a close friend texted me to say that someone he loved had died that day. The man was 39. After many years of sobriety, he died from his substance misuse disorder. When this same friend lost someone close to him in 2014, I sent him an email outlining what helped in the immediate and longer-term aftermath. He asked for that guidance again. This is a revised version for a wider audience.

What you should do:

• Write down everything you can: things they said, things you did together, jokes, irritations, small gestures. Your mind will be flooded with memories over the next two weeks, and then they will slowly fade. You will never remember him as well as you do right now. Write it down. Also…it will help you grieve.
• Do this every day for 30 days if you can. Missing a day doesn’t negate the value.
• Keep up your exercise routine. If you don’t exercise, you should start.
• Consider seeing a therapist who specializes in grief and loss.

What you should avoid:

• Avoid isolating after the first 24 hours. Humans (and animals) have a tendency to crawl into a hole when injured or sad and avoid contact. It is a terrible instinct for grieving. Having people around, even if you don’t discuss the death, is helpful. Maybe not 24/7, but certainly daily. I am incredibly grateful for my friends who realized that they should stop by for a meal or watch baseball or just hang around during my various periods of grieving. Isolation feels protective. It almost never is.
• Do not take in more caffeine or nicotine than usual.
• Be aware of your eating. Some of you may have no appetite, while others will seek comfort in food. Both options have negative consequences. Try to keep up your regular diet.
• If you are someone who uses eating, drinking, drugging, sex, gambling or shopping to feel good or self-treat, be very wary over the next three months. If you are in recovery from one or more of these issues, consider talking to friends who are also in recovery or upping your support group attendance.

What you should be aware of:

• I was angry at Fraser for dying. Then I felt guilty for being angry at a dead friend. It was confusing. It took me a while to reconcile all of those feelings.
• You have the right to talk with who you want about this, and you can also tell people that you are sad and just need some space. I found that I talked about it a lot with a couple of close friends, shared about it at every meeting I went to and discussed it in therapy. But I didn’t have it in me to talk to everyone. Some people just pissed me off or didn’t “get it.”
• Everyone grieves differently. Everyone. Don’t fight with those close to you because you don’t like the way they grieve.
• Remember that his/her family’s pain is worse than yours. Writing a letter to them about how much he meant to you, as well as some funny/good stories will be valued more than you can possibly know.

Below are pieces I’ve written that address different forms of loss—friends, patients, children, and parents.

In the spring of 2014, Rutgers published a story about my work and how I was inspired after the death of my childhood friend Fraser Curry. I wrote a follow-up piece about my reaction to his death and what people can do if they have a friend or family member with a drug problem: https://greenagel.com/what-to-do-when-your-friend-or-family-member-has-a-drug-problem/

When my friend Pat died, I wrote this in 2014: https://greenagel.com/our-friend-pat/

This is a (near) copy of a speech I gave at an Overdose Vigil to 350+ parents who lost a child to addiction: https://greenagel.com/to-the-parents-who-have-lost-a-child/

A long-time patient of mine died in December of 2016 and I wrote this for myself and other counseling professionals: https://greenagel.com/on-the-death-of-my-patient/

A cousin of mine lost a baby in 2017 and I wrote this: https://greenagel.com/to-the-parents-who-lost-a-young-child/

I lost one of my closest friends (and my closest co-worker) this past March. I followed almost all of the advice that I’ve laid out (I didn’t work out for three weeks and I over ate). My writing during that period became a book. The Book of Eric was released on October 8th and provides a concrete example of living through grief rather than avoiding it.