Yesterday I published The Corruption of Language in the Helping Professions. In it, I took apart TikTok talk, academic fog, government drivel and MAGA and progressive doublespeak. It was both an homage to George Orwell and a long, specific catalog of what not to do.
That piece violates one of my own rules. It names problems without offering enough solutions beyond “don’t write like this.”
That failure bothered me.
I spent an inordinate amount of time today listing, organizing and editing what follows.
While I think it would help almost anyone’s writing (Michael Lewis doesn’t need any tips from me1), this is meant to be particularly instructional for my students and supervisees.
Purpose
Good writing clarifies thinking. Bad writing hides it. In clinical, academic and policy work, unclear language causes harm. This doctrine exists to reduce vagueness, avoid professional self-deception and improve accountability.
I. Core Rules of Clarity (Orwell)
Avoid dead metaphors and stock phrases. If you have seen it in print a thousand times, cut it. (Orwell)
Prefer short words to long ones. If a shorter word works, use it. (Orwell)
Cut unnecessary words. If a word can be removed without changing meaning, remove it. (Orwell)
Use active voice whenever possible. Name the actor. Avoid hiding responsibility. (Orwell)
Avoid jargon when plain English works. Scientific and academic language must clarify, not impress. (Orwell)
Break any rule rather than write something barbarous. Rules serve clarity, not rigidity. (Orwell)
Source: George Orwell, Politics and the English Language (1946).
II. Precision and Accountability
Every claim must point to an action, decision or behavior. If it cannot, it is likely meaningless.
Name who does what. “Systems failed” is weaker than “The agency did not hire staff.”
Avoid hedging language that adds no information. Phrases like at this time usually add nothing.
Distinguish observation from interpretation. State what you saw. Then explain what you think it means.
III. Evidence and Citation (Required)
Cite sources for factual claims. Use links, APA citations or MLA footnotes. Pick one and be consistent.
Attribute ideas even when paraphrasing. Avoid even the appearance of plagiarism.
Use dates, locations and verifiable details when possible. This allows readers to check your work.
Frederick Douglass Clause: Douglass wrote his first autobiography so skeptics could verify his identity and experiences. Checkability is an ethical act, not a stylistic choice.
Source: Frederick Douglass, Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass (1845).
IV. Numbers and Mechanics
Numbers one through ten are written out. Numbers eleven and above appear as numerals. (MLA)
Spell out acronyms on first use. Assume no shared knowledge.
Titles of books, films and magazines are italicized. Be consistent.
Avoid repetition unless intentional. Repetition must serve emphasis, not carelessness.
V. Sentence Structure
Favor short sentences. Clarity over flourish.
Use occasional longer sentences intentionally. A soft rule: nine short sentences, one longer combined sentence.
Avoid stacking multiple roles or ideas into one sentence. Separate ideas deserve separate sentences.
VI. Ad-Hominem Rule (Frank’s Dad’s Clause)
Critique actions, decisions and outcomes. Do not attack appearance, intelligence or personal traits.
Be tougher on behavior than on people. Precision is stronger than insult.
VII. Questions in Writing
Use questions sparingly. Questions can evade responsibility or lead the reader.
If you ask a question, answer it. Do not outsource your position to the reader.
VIII. Profanity and Tone
No profanity for students or supervisees. This is protective. Professional credibility comes first.
Tone should match purpose. Clinical notes require restraint. Essays may allow voice.
IX. Clinical and Professional Writing Standards
Describe concrete behaviors. Avoid abstract labels without examples.
Explain how conclusions were reached. Especially in evaluations and reports.
Distinguish diagnosis from description. State criteria, not just labels.
X. Learning to Write Better
Read widely and constantly. Newspapers, magazines, history, fiction, non-fiction, comics, plays, biography, instructions and poetry.
Write often. Emails, notes, journals, reports and essays.
Do not outsource writing. Thinking happens in the act of writing.
Edit other people’s work. This sharpens judgment.
Teach. Teaching forces clarity and audience awareness.
Canonical Sources Referenced
Orwell, George. Politics and the English Language. 1946.
Strunk, William & White, E.B. The Elements of Style.
Zinsser, William. On Writing Well.
Modern Language Association (MLA) Style Guide.
Douglass, Frederick. Narrative of the Life of Frederick Douglass. 1845.
I have been having my Rutgers seniors read Orwell’s On Politics and the English language since 2012. It’s a difficult article, as Orwell intentionally filled it with long sentences, obscure words and vague political speak in an effort to demonstrate bad writing while railing against it. Very meta.
Orwell took particular issue with dying metaphors (toe the line, ride roughshod over, stand shoulder to shoulder with, play into the hands of), pretentious diction (phenomenon, epoch-making) and meaningless words (patriotic, justice, democracy, freedom) in political writing, as they were lazy, vague and made it harder to understand what is actually being said.
Orwell explicitly lists six rules to prevent bad writing:
Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.
Never use a long word where a short one will do.
If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.
Never use the passive where you can use the active.
Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word, or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.
Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous
Ever since, I’ve been crossing out words, sentences and paragraphs in my students’ work. I scrawl “vague, stale, too wordy or what are you actually trying to say here?” all over their papers. I am much loved.
In 2018, I compiled a list of stale business phrases to show how Americans failed to heed Orwell’s advice and actually got dumber:
Give 110 percent
Think outside the box
Hammer it out
Heavy lifting
Throw them under the bus
Don’t count your chickens before they’ve hatched
Pushing the envelope
Let the cat out of the bag
Let’s circle back
Win-win situation
Blue-sky thinking
Boil the ocean
Synergy
Low-hanging fruit
Take it to the next level
Barking up the wrong tree
Going forward
Let’s ballpark this
Run this up the flagpole
Back to square one
There’s no I in team
Back to the drawing board
Paradigm shift
Elephant in the room
Raise the bar
Drill down
Best thing since sliced bread
Deep dive
Skin in the game
Reach out
Touch base
Play hardball
Don’t reinvent the wheel
Kept in the loop
The bottom line
Down the road
I’ll loop you in
Hit the nail on the head
ASAP
Team player
I have pulled directors and executives aside after I’ve heard them utter these phrases and hit them with Oscar Wilde’s “you talk so much and don’t have anything to say.”
Last week, Marina Laurent, a current student of mine (and an Air Force Veteran, so double winner) wrote about how in other social work classes she has been taught about “person-centered practice” and “reports barriers to care.” My god. I’ve been railing against psychobabble and therapy-speak, the style of academic journals, vagueness, political doublespeak and TikTok talk for decades. Decades, dude. Oh to have lived in earlier times when people read more, wrote better and were eager to get vaccinated.
So, on to some villainous phrases that are used in 21st century social media, social work, psychology, academia, government and politics.
TikTok Talk
Triggered Strong emotional reaction framed as identity. The crown jewel disaster for preventing growth.
Gaslighting A specific form of manipulation turned into a synonym for disagreement.
Narcissist Clinical diagnosis flattened into a personality insult. If your spouse or ex is an actual narcissist, you might want to get evaluated to see why you were with them so long.
Avoidant Attachment shorthand used to explain incompatibility without effort.
Emotional unavailability Vague label that avoids naming needs, limits or expectations.
Breadcrumbing Intermittent interest reframed as pathology rather than ambivalence.
Love bombing A real behavior diluted by applying it to early enthusiasm.
Manifesting Magical thinking repackaged as personal agency.
Boundaries Important concept misused to shut down conversation.
Trauma dumping Sometimes real. Often used to avoid listening.
Red flag Actually a pretty good term. A few traits should be universally disliked, like being cruel or having a penchant for raping. There are others. The rest, though, are pretty arbitrary. In dating, two red flags for me are if she doesn’t read at least one book a month and if she spends more than 15 minutes on social media.
Healing journey Directionless process without goals or metrics. California hippie therapy.
Inner child Powerful metaphor misused as an excuse.
Emotional safety Undefined protection from discomfort.
Toxic In English, this means a substance or environment that causes death. In 21st Century America, it means a bad job, a bad boss or a bad boyfriend. “He literally poisoned me.” I don’t want to get into what literary means.
Hard launching Performative certainty.
Vibes A refusal to articulate thought. This is just an awful word.
Holding space Means nothing without behavior.
Doing the work Work unspecified. Outcome unclear.
Alignment Spiritual language used to avoid decision-making.
Unhealed True Orwell shit. Awful, stupid term. I can’t figure it out.
Core wound Speculative diagnosis with no treatment plan.
Self-abandonment Catch-all for regret. Again, just a radically stupid term.
Energetic match Astrology for relationships.
Hyper-independence Normal autonomy reframed as pathology.
Social Work and Psychology Babble
Trauma-informed Claimed without describing changes in practice. Most trauma-informed therapists and programs actually aren’t.
Client-centered Baseline ethics framed as innovation.
Evidence-based Which evidence? Applied how?
Best practices Consensus without specificity. There are so many places that say they use best practices that aren’t a good program. Meaningless.
Barriers to care Gestures at problems without naming responsibility. Shout out to Marina.
Strengths-based Used to avoid discussing deficits that matter.
Lived experience Ends debate rather than clarifies expertise: I’ve lived, worked and deeply consulted in the following institutions: military, law enforcement, secondary education, higher education, corrections, media, state and local politics and health care. I guess that means I understand the United States better than almost anyone then.
Safe space Safety from what: discomfort or harm?
Processing emotions Action-free phrasing.
Whole-person care Undefined scope.
Harm reduction Reduced how? Measured where? A lot of harm reduction people look like active drug users. That hurts the movement.
Meeting clients where they are Often means expecting nothing.
Empowerment Power undefined.
Resilience Jamba juice was closed. Annoying. I got through it though because I’m resilient.
Noncompliant Client won’t do what I say and isn’t getting better. He is non-compliant.
Treatment resistant Avoids examining quality of treatment delivered.
Clinically indicated By what standard? I train people to put down a diagnosis and to list which criteria they meet. That’s clear. Do you see the difference?
At this time Useless hedging.
Rule out Sometimes replaces reasoning.
Scope of practice Properly used, it protects clients and clinicians. Misused, it becomes a shield against competence. For example: autism, geriatrics and eating disorders are outside of my scope of practice.
Case management Real case management requires assessment, planning, referral and evaluation. Many places use the term and do none of it.
Stages of change A powerful model when clinicians actually assess stage and adjust approach instead of reciting theory.
Continuum of care Often imaginary. Often used to justify sending you to their other business.
Wraparound services Undefined bundle. A way to get more money out of you.
Clinical judgment Sometimes a cover for intuition alone.
Therapeutic alliance Important, but not sufficient. “We like each other” isn’t enough.
Self-care Someone must specifically cite the behavior and how it is helping. Otherwise this is sometimes an excuse to skip work or avoid the in-laws.
Education and Academic Language
Critical thinking skills Rarely defined or assessed. Very few teachers teach these. If you want to develop critical thinking, first do a take down of your own positions. That’s critical thinking.
Operationalizing recommendations Means someone else will figure it out.
Leveraging resources Resources unspecified.
Public-private partnership How to give public money to private businesses while looking virtuous.
Data-driven decision-making Which data. Interpreted by whom?
Systemic challenges Avoids naming actors.
Policy solutions Solutions without cost or enforcement.
Pilot program Delay tactic.
Task force Action substitute.
Anti-American Used to silence dissent.
-gate Suffix inflation that trivializes real scandals.
Culture war Distraction from economic policy.
War on XYZ I don’t agree with your criticism. The War on Christmas is one of the great 21st century exaggerations.
Whole-of-government approach Means nothing.
Evidence-informed policy Weaker version of evidence-based.
Best available science Often ignored. Sometimes funded by Exxon.
Capacity building Capacity for what?
Emotional Cushioning Language
This feels heavy No shit. Good therapy deals with hard stuff.
I hear you Acknowledgment without response.
That’s valid Conversation ender.
Let’s unpack that Often goes nowhere.
It’s complicated Usually true. Often lazy. Lots about life is complicated.
Sitting with discomfort Avoids action.
Showing up Presence without responsibility.
Corporate and Workplace Language
Synergy Meaningless.
Low-hanging fruit Avoids hard work.
Circle back They won’t circle back. Those were just words.
Deep dive Extended meeting. Usually a waste of time.
Reach out Contact.
Bandwidth I’m not your best worker.
Deliverables Tasks.
Next-level Unspecified improvement.
Paradigm shift Rarely one.
Win-win Usually not.
Cultural and Media Language
Narrative Often replaces facts.
Platform Inflated importance.
Amplify Broadcast without critique.
Problematic Accusation without argument.
Reframing Spin.
MAGA and Progressive Political Language
Law and order Arresting brown and black people.
Common sense reform You should agree with me.
Radical agenda Policy I dislike.
Mainstream values Undefined majority.
Woke An insult to be used when you don’t like policies that help Black people.
Cancel culture Social consequence reframed as oppression. If you rape, you should be cancelled.
Weaponization Criticism reframed as attack.
Deep state Institutional complexity. Often involving lawyers who uphold the law, turned into conspiracy.
Fake news Unfavorable reporting.
Populist movement Vague appeal to the people. Usually means they want free stuff for people like them but not for different kinds of people.
National conversation Media talking to itself.
Bipartisan solution Compromise without substance.
Protect our democracy Often rhetorical only.
Historic moment Every news cycle.
Lawfare Legal accountability reframed as persecution. More importantly, not a real word.
Freedom If I can’t do what I want, then I’m not free.
Parental rights Selective control over public institutions.
States’ rights Federal enforcement I dislike.
Election integrity I don’t want Democrats to win.
Traditional values Whose tradition, exactly? My ancestors drank wine out of the skulls of their enemies. For realz.
Centering voices Who chooses which voices matter?
Systemic oppression True in many cases, often poorly defined.
Words are violence If I break your lower leg into three distinct pieces, you’ll figure out what is actually violence.
Harmful rhetoric Speech I dislike.
Restorative practices Useful tool treated as universal solution. Often a political loser.
Power dynamics Sometimes analysis, sometimes conversation stopper. Often “I don’t like men.”
Decolonizing Often metaphorical, rarely literal. Comes across as anti-white. A political loser.
Radical empathy Empathy without limits. This is a stupid term. Empathy works just fine.
America First Was a Nazi-adjacent phrase in the 1940s.
Patriot Loyalty test, not civic duty.
Globalist Person I don’t trust. Really, this means Jew.
Elites People with education or power I resent.
Real Americans Not coastal urbanites who do yoga and like French food.
Hard-working Americans White people.
The Final Offender
Unprecedented times Every generation thinks so. The Bubonic Plague was really bad.
Many of these words or phrases often need to be explained to people. A rule in comedy is that if you have to explain a joke, then it isn’t funny. These phrases persist because people are lazy. Full stop. They allow the speaker to avoid precision, conflict and accountability. A few of these phrases are racist dog whistles, giving the speaker an out: “that’s not what I meant.” Yes it is. When language stops pointing to specific actions or decisions, it stops working.
My parents were born and raised in Minnesota. As were their parents and grandparents. Mom and Dad moved to New Jersey in 1971. One time I was on a train in Washington D.C. and a man asked if I was from Minnesota. “My parents are, but I’m from New Jersey. That means I have a strong ethical core but I’m probably the most aggressive Vikings fan you’ll ever meet.”
In the fall of 1994, I attended classes for a few weeks at Raritan Valley Community College. A friend picked me up on the way to class. I took my Dad’s Board of Trustees parking pass and we parked in front of the main entrance, a far better spot than other students used.
My father flipped out. As angry as I had ever seen him. “What is wrong with you? What on Earth would make you ever think that was okay?”
I fell back on the cowardly familiar “I don’t know.”
“I don’t use it when I go there and I’m not on trustee business. You dishonor me. You dishonor yourself.” Silence. And then, “I can’t believe you did this. Why do you think you deserve special treatment? That’s a huge problem with this world. People thinking they deserve special treatment. And you are becoming one of them.” He walked away. And then he came back.“You never take a benefit from a public role that other people don’t get.”
It was a brutally powerful lecture. I just sat there. Absorbing the reverberations of his words for the next half hour. Over thirty years later, I feel a deep sense of shame when I think about it.
There were other piercing lectures. In eighth grade, I lifted a paragraph from a book and put it in a paper without citing it. My dad went ballistic. “You are taking credit for something you didn’t do. It’s stealing. It’s lying. It’s terrible behavior.”
My mother’s moral instruction was also very serious, but gentler and more proactive. From my earliest days, she would read to me and then ask me how I thought the character felt. We would watch a play or movie and she’d ask “Was that the right thing to do?” or “What would you do in that situation?”
They weren’t just teaching me their values or the family’s values, but Minnesota values. That is one reason why I’ve been irritated that the always-Trumpers have labeled Minneapolis “insane” and “radical.”
Minnesota: A quick and incomplete survey
Minnesota became a state in 1858. Less than three years later, they were the first to answer Lincoln’s call for troops. Minnesota is the 22nd largest state in raw population but maintains a National Guard that is disproportionately large. They have high rates of education and low rates of crime.
Hmong refugees came to Minnesota in the 1970s and Somali refugees came in the 1990s. Because of the wildly long cold winters, Minnesota might seem like an unlikely destination for people from Southeast Asia and Africa to settle. The Lutherans and Catholics in Minneapolis have long practiced tolerance and charity and were early sponsors and organizers of refugee resettlement.
General Mills, 3M, US Bank, Cargill and Best Buy are long-standing Minnesota companies that are multi-generation employers, stable and community-supporting. US Bank wasn’t a primary driver of the 2007-08 housing crisis that rocked the world financial markets and they repaid their TARP funds early.
Minnesota values include working hard, showing up on time, being kind to others, speaking respectfully, not taking credit for other people’s work, admitting mistakes, following rules and cleaning up your own mess.
Common Minnesota phrases that reflect these values are:
Let’s just take a breath here
No need to make it worse
Let’s hear them out
I could be wrong
We all still have to live together
Well…that’s something
Take a moment to think about your warmest elementary school teacher or your calmest coach or the sweetest person at church or the most helpful person at your first job. That’s the spirit of Minnesota.
It is because of that history of military service, civic participation, rule following, charity towards others, stable companies and rock-solid values that this moment of dissent in Minnesota should be read as a warning signal and not a sign of radicalism.
True Patriotic Moments
In 1770, British soldiers murdered five Bostonians who were heckling them. The rest of the almost-fledgling United States was appalled. Samuel Adams wrote “Innocent colonists murdered by the vicious British soldiers on our own American soil. Not only do they tax us without a vote, now they are murdering us in the streets of Boston.”
In 1970, Ohio National Guardsmen fired 67 shots at student protesters on the Kent State campus. Four students were killed and several more were injured. Most U.S. citizens were horrified, but there was a small minority who believed the protesters brought it on themselves. President Nixon appointed a commission to evaluate what happened and their report stated that “the indiscriminate firing of rifles into a crowd of students and the deaths that followed were unnecessary, unwarranted, and inexcusable.”
Many Americans today like to think that they would have participated in the Underground Railroad. And that they would have hidden Anne Frank. They like to think that they are like the most heroic Americans of the 1850s or Europeans of the 1940s.
And yet, a common refrain that is often uttered in 21st century America is “I can’t get involved, I’ve got bills to pay.” Not very brave or civic minded. And certainly not the Underground Railroad or hide Anne Frank type.
The Boston Massacre. Kent State. The Underground Railroad. Anne Frank. Dissent has often looked radical to the comfortable.
Comfort without Responsibility
The Great Gatsby was published in 1925 and set on Long Island and in New York City. Several of the main characters are vain, selfish, spiteful, untrustworthy and materialistic. Tom Buchanan is an arrogant, out-and-out racist and adulterer. Jordan Baker cheats at golf. Daisy kills a woman while driving and doesn’t stop.
Nick Carraway is the narrator and moral conscience of the story. He is from the Midwest, and is the stand-in for F. Scott Fitzgerald (who was, significantly, born and raised in Minnesota and educated in New Jersey).
The book opens with Nick sharing some advice from his father: “Whenever you feel like criticizing any one… just remember that all the people in this world haven’t had the advantages that you’ve had.”
A few years ago, Nick’s lines about Tom and Daisy Buchanan swirled around the internet as a commentary about a few particular American political figures: “They were careless people, Tom and Daisy — they smashed up things and creatures and then retreated back into their money or their vast carelessness.”
Universal Lessons
In school, American students learn about the tyranny of George III. We read about the revolutionary patriots who fought organized powers that invaded their streets and entered their houses without permission or warrants.
American students learn about Italian, German and Japanese fascism. About the violence, cruelty and lawlessness of those governments. We celebrate the noble allies who sacrificed so much to defeat them. Robert Gibson died on January 12, 2026 at the age of 102. He fought at Utah Beach and in the Battle of the Bulge. Whenever he talked about the war, he concluded his remarks with “we did this for you, so don’t screw it up.”
American students learn about the non-violent civil disobedience practiced by Gandhi, Dr. King, John Lewis, Lech Walesa and Nelson Mandela. How each one of them stood up to oppressive power, took blows without striking back and won over enough supporters until they fundamentally changed their countries.
Popular culture reinforced these lessons in The Lord of the Rings and Star Wars.
Lessons Applied
The people of Minneapolis have made their values clear. They
don’t want parents ripped away from their children
don’t believe people should be stopped and asked for papers
don’t believe someone should be beaten or shot or killed for filming the actions of federal agents
don’t believe the government can kick down your door without a warrant
don’t believe people should be chemically sprayed in the face when they are already restrained
don’t believe in masked government agents
I was born in 1976. The 1990s saw a high level of peace and prosperity. The footage of black people being attacked by dogs and Americans murdered in the streets were from historical films in black and white. The bad guys around the world had mostly been defeated. Things were seemingly getting better year by year. I’ve oversimplified it, but I think you get the point.
I tell my students today that society wasn’t like this when I was their age. People were friendlier, warmer, more social and less scared. Adults seemed to be responsible and calm. Since 9/11, Americans are more isolated, quicker to anger, less trusting but paradoxically more gullible, more selfish, more arrogant and utterly less responsible. We have seemed to forget those lessons from King George to The Great Gatsby to World War II to Dr. King to Star Wars. It is something that makes me quite sad.
And yet. This January, I have seen civic-minded, values-based, non-violent patriotism in action on the streets of Minneapolis. At this moment, the best of America is represented in Minnesota. But here’s the thing, there are people who are like that in every state.
What the good and brave patriots of Minneapolis are demonstrating is, in Serwer’s words, “a real resistance, broad and organized and overwhelmingly nonviolent, the kind of movement that emerges only under sustained attacks by an oppressive state.”
The feeling of powerlessness that so many Americans have struggled with during Trump’s second term is giving way to a sense of greater agency. Courage inspires courage. Success inspires imitation. Living in truth; cultivating the sphere of truth; joining together to stand for truth and against intimidation, repression, and state-sanctioned violence—all of this still matters.
“The historical record clearly shows,” Erica Chenoweth and Maria J. Stephan wrote, “that civil resistance is an enduring force for change.” Not everyone is beyond reach.
Again and again in American history, the places accused of disorder turn out to be the places insisting that the rules still matter. Minnesota belongs to that tradition.
Sometimes you can learn a lot about someone from a single moment. Last summer, my mother and I were walking through the theater district in the afternoon and came upon a human traffic jam that was caused by many people getting into line for a show while others were trying to get past. The road was full of cars so the sidewalk was just packed. There was a frail, elderly woman standing alongside her husband, who was being pushed in a wheelchair by a theater staffer. They couldn’t move, because no one would make way for them. I stopped and tried to make a passage with my body. A number of people kept walking through. This irritated me. “Jesus Fucking Christ people, everyone stop!” I said in a commanding voice. The staffer nodded at me and the old woman touched my arm and said a very soft yet sincere “thank you.” It shouldn’t have taken all of that for them to get through.
From this, one can gleam that (a) I spend time with my mother; (b) we attend plays in Manhattan; (c) I try to be helpful to others whenever I can; and (d) I get irritated with people when they make things more difficult for others, particularly the elderly, those with disabilities or children.
One of my professional rules is that I don’t teach, speak or write about issues that I do not have an expertise in. I support immigration enforcement as a lawful function of the state. I also support police and military institutions governed by clear rules, identifiable authority and accountability. This essay explains why recent ICE practices in Minneapolis undermine those principles.
My Military and Law Enforcement Background
I joined the United State Army as a tanker in 1996. After training at Ft. Knox, I joined my unit in Port Murray, NJ that fall and was immediately placed with the S-2/S-3 of the battalion headquarters company (the S-2 is military intelligence, the S-3 is training and planning).
After 9/11, I was activated that fall to guard the Hudson River bridges and tunnels from NJ into Manhattan. Our tasks were to guard against any future attacks, but to also provide the public a sense of safety and security. We had to stop and search random cars before they crossed the George Washington Bridge or entered the Lincoln or Holland Tunnels; we were given very explicit instructions on greeting everyone, identifying ourselves, explaining the situation, not responding to irritation or anger with anything other than calmness and completing our searches efficiently so people could get on with their day.
Our M16s and 9mms were not loaded. We weren’t even given ammunition. I was 25 and thought it was stupid to have unloaded weapons. Master Sergeant Spadoni instructed me, “Look at Traffnic. Look at Mays. Do you want them walking around on US soil with a loaded weapon?”
“No.”
“Neither does the commander. Or anyone with any sense. Just our presence is a deterrence, and the police we are assisting have their weapons if need be.”
I served from 1996 to 2002. After that, I taught English in Tokyo, got a graduate degree in social work, taught English in Elizabeth, worked as a drug & alcohol counselor at a few treatment programs before landing at Rutgers and earned another graduate degree in public policy. Between those treatment programs and Rutgers, I ended up helping and treating a number of veterans. In 2014, I was directly commissioned into the Army as a Behavioral Health Officer. I rejoined because I wanted to help those that serve. I volunteered to deploy to Poland near the Russian border in 2019. I was the lone mental health provider for about 1200 NATO soldiers. I treated them mostly for family problems, substance misuse issues and PTSD from their experiences in Afghanistan and Iraq.
In 2016, I started work as the Consulting Therapist for the New York State Troopers Employee Assistance Program. Over the last 10 years, I’ve conducted trainings on substance misuse, relationships, grief, de-escalation, managing stress and generally surviving the job. I provide post-crisis counseling to sworn members who deal with child sex crimes, car accidents, witnessed suicides, homicides, dead babies, car fires where those inside burn to death and shootings. It’s very heavy.
The vast bulk of the people I treat are cops, military, veterans, fire fighters, teachers, doctors, nurses, social workers and therapists. I have a preference for people who try to help, who try to make things better for other people and who care for others. A majority of the cops and veterans I treat have differing domestic and/or international political views than me, but they get the same exact treatment that I give someone that shares my view on Ukraine or the importance of government lawyers.
ICE Agents in Minneapolis
If you support police and military professionalism, you should be concerned about the following:
Most ICE agents are wearing masks. Many don’t have information on them that identifies them as ICE. I have seen a lot of videos and pictures where they have POLICE written on their body armor, even though they are not trained, supervised or employed as police officers. Almost none of them have their name on their uniform. It is very easy to buy almost all of the weapons and equipment that ICE agents in Minneapolis are currently using; therefore, it is very easy for anyone to cosplay as an ICE agent. Anonymity is incompatible with law enforcement standards. In a democratic society (or a republic), it is essential that government actors are answerable for their actions. This greatly reduces misconduct and wrongdoing, encourages restraint, allows for accountability and helps with public trust. Masked and unidentifiable ICE agents violate all of that.
Military service members wear visible insignia, have rules of engagement, follow a clear command authority and have after action accountability. Domestic enforcement should not be less accountable than overseas operations.
Using kids as bait. It is a government’s duty to protect children. Using them as bait puts them in harm’s way and is a violation of that obligation.
This is a heinous, vile and appalling example of the failure of ICE in Minneapolis regarding child welfare laws. It is also a moral failure.
Removing an elderly man from his home in little clothing who had committed no crimes. ICE entered the home of a US citizen without a visible warrant and abducted him. He was not allowed to put on anything warmer despite near freezing weather. He was not allowed to verify his identity to the agents.
Chemically spraying a person who was already restrained. Once a person is restrained and no longer a threat, additional force must be strictly justified. Multiple lawyers have told me that the ICE agents in the below photo almost certainly violated use of force laws and that they would use Graham v Connor (1989) and the 4th Amendment to both criminally try and civilly sue those agents. To be clear, in these type of cases, courts often ask:
Was the person already secured?
Was there an active threat?
Was the restraint preventive or punitive?
Was there a less invasive alternative?
There have been many recorded incidents where ICE agents are escalating situations using an aggressive tone, loud voice and threatening language. There is not a law that requires government agents to use a calm tone or respectful language, but how they speak can be legally consequential. Shouting, demeaning language and threats may be viewed as provoking or escalating a situation. In fact, DHS has explicit policies on the importance of use of force and de-escalation. One could make a strong argument that several of the ICE agents in Minneapolis have violated their agency’s official policies.
If a state trooper, military police or corrections officer engaged in any of these behaviors, it would trigger an investigation. ICE should not be exempt from standards other agencies already meet.
Policy, Training and Character
Clearly, the United States needs to re-examine DHS and ICE policies. And to see if commanders are enforcing or ignoring those policies.
There has been speculation that a number of the new ICE agents that have been hired are military or law enforcement washouts, meaning that they wanted to join but were denied or didn’t make it through basic training/the academy or left under dubious circumstances. We do know that training for ICE agents in 2025 dropped from 16 weeks to about six to eight weeks. That’s a pretty short time to give someone a weapon and send them to deal with the American public. My training as an Army tanker lasted 16 weeks and then I was sent to my unit for further training. The New York State Police academy takes 26 weeks and then new officers are sent to work with a Field Training Officer for two months before they are allowed to operate on their own. To me, that is an incredibly stark and alarming contrast between the training of an ICE agent and a US Soldier or NY State Trooper.
Besides policies and trainings, I believe there is something else that is being overlooked. Character.
In 2018, I ran a group for the mothers of State Troopers who had died in the line of duty. I was deeply struck when one grieving mother uttered “We all had the same son.” Their boys were sarcastic and joked a lot. They could be difficult about getting their way. But they always showed up and tried to be helpful. They wanted to protect the weak. Whether they were on or off-duty, they shoveled peoples’ driveways and changed strangers’ tires. In short, they were good.
It is fair to ask what kind of background checks, screenings and interviews ICE is conducting. Because, I would argue, the kind of individual who would use a child as bait, invade the home of a mostly unclothed old man and take him out into the cold and chemically spray an already restrained individual is not good. As I stated at the start of this essay, you can sometimes learn a lot about a person from a single moment.
I believe it is a reasonable expectation that Americans know the name and organization of a government agent and can see their face. If we need to put it to a county, state or national vote, put it to a vote.
A quality government agent speaks calmy and respectfully. They are good at de-escalating. They help those that are weaker, particularly the elderly, kids, people with a disability and anyone in crisis. An ideal agent might have the added traits of being warm, kind and funny.
To make someone else angry is the lowest of all social skills. That’s why I have problems with so many people who make their living on the internet. Outrage engages. Outrage sells. But it is absolutely terrible for individual mental health and society as a whole.
In contrast, the ability to make someone feel safe, calm someone down and/or to laugh are among the very highest of social skills. Those are the kind of people we want in positions of authority.
Many of the ICE agents that are currently operating in Minneapolis appear to me to be weak, scared, callous and amoral. This looks less like modern U.S. law enforcement and more like practices we explicitly trained against. It is disheartening. It doesn’t have to be that way.
If you are a concerned citizen and are wondering what you can do in regards to how ICE is behaving in Minneapolis (or other places), here are a few things you can do:
film them
photograph them
document what you saw, where you saw it and when you saw it
Don’t engage them in violence. It just escalates things. That written, if you are concerned about where things are heading and want to be completely prepared for the worst of scenarios, consider legally purchasing a fire arm and getting training with it. To be clear, if you purchase a fire arm, you should also purchase a safe. And I have a strong belief that if you own a fire arm, you might also want to purchase some body armor.
It’s important that reasonable Americans with strong, universal moral values own guns. Sigh. What a world we live in now.
I’ll close with how an Army Veteran who served for 35 years described the ICE agents in Minneapolis:
“weak, cowardly pussies”
This piece from the New York Times was published this morning as I was working on this. It has a number of videos and goes into further detail about some of the incidents I cited.
I recommend checking out the work of Steve Vladeck. He is a lawyer who explains Supreme Court rulings.
In 2019, Andrew Walsh, a former graduate student of mine, researched and wrote Video Game Addiction 101 under my editorial guidance. I had become particularly interested in the topic after the World Health Organization created a new diagnosis in 2018 called Internet Gaming Disorder. Two of the points I made at the end of the book were that (1) I expected this problem to grow in depth and scale and (2) there was way more that we didn’t know than what we knew.
I supervised Ben Munck for 20 months when he was providing therapy to teenagers in Union County, NJ. During the course of our work, one of the most common presenting problems was excessive video gaming. I asked Ben to write an article about it. I edited and added to it, but the vast bulk of the work is his. He has done a nice job in expanding my knowledge about the problem and offering up some solutions.
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I frequently encounter adolescents who describe spending most evenings gaming online, with low engagement in school responsibilities, difficulty following through with appointments (medical visits, school meetings, therapy), and reduced interest in in-person peer interactions. Some report that their online gaming communities feel like their primary source of belonging, identity and social support; they may view professional gaming or streaming as a future plan, or even as an escape from anxiety, depression, loneliness or social stress.
This post is not intended to pathologize gaming. For many teens, gaming is a normal hobby, a way to connect socially, and a source of enjoyment. The clinical concern tends to arise when gaming becomes the primary coping tool and begins to displace key developmental tasks such as school engagement, sleep, healthy activity and in-person relationships.
Two Examples (De-identified)
Juliowas a high-school student who spent most evenings gaming online. He struggled to schedule or attend appointments (medical visits, school meetings, therapy) and described gaming as the only place he felt competent, calm and socially connected. Over time, his in-person social engagement became minimal. He began to view becoming a full-time gamer or streamer as his main plan for adulthood.
Mary described real-life social settings such as hallways, lunch periods, and group work as overwhelming. She reported past peer conflicts and difficulty trusting friendships. Gaming became her primary social world. She valued her online peers more than her in-person friendships and spoke frequently about “going pro,” competing and streaming as a path forward.
In both cases, the pattern looked similar: reduced school engagement, limited in-person social contact, and a growing belief that gaming success could solve deeper emotional and developmental challenges.
Gaming Disorder
When clinicians talk about problematic gaming, the issue usually is not just lots of hours; it is functional impairment.
The World Health Organization includes Gaming Disorder in the ICD-11 under disorders due to addictive behaviors. The defining features include impaired control over gaming, increasing priority given to gaming over other activities, and continuation or escalation despite negative consequences. (who.int)
In other words, gaming becomes the central organizing force of daily life, even when it clearly harms functioning.
The American Psychiatric Association includes Internet Gaming Disorder (IGD) in DSM-5 Section III as a condition for further study. This is an important nuance; it remains a clinically useful framework when impairment is present. (psychiatry.org)
How Realistic Is Going Pro?
It is not impossible. However, it is pretty unrealistic as a life plan, especially when it becomes a substitute for treating depression, anxiety, avoidance or social skill deficits.
A helpful analogy for teens and parents:
Many people love basketball.
Very few play professionally.
Fewer still make stable long-term income from it.
The same is true for esports and streaming. A very small fraction of gamers earn consistent, sufficient income and the pathway typically requires:
exceptional ability
high-volume training
competitive placement
strong support and structure
tolerance for instability, injury risk, burnout and shifting game popularity
This matters clinically because some teens do not just dream about gaming; they begin to use the dream to justify dropping school effort, avoiding social exposure and disengaging from real-world skill development.
Mental Health, Burnout, and the Gaming as Escape Trap
Excessive gaming is associated in many studies with:
depression
anxiety
lower life satisfaction
social withdrawal
sleep disruption
difficulty managing daily responsibilities
A systematic review of the association between social media use/video gaming and mental health outcomes in youth noted that excessive gaming is associated with adverse mental health outcomes, while also emphasizing the complexity of directionality and contributing factors. (pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov)
This aligns with what clinicians regularly see: gaming becomes less about entertainment and more about avoidance and emotion regulation, especially when a teen lacks other coping strategies.
A central clinical question becomes:
Is gaming one part of life, or is it replacing life?
Physical Health: Sedentary Lifestyle, Pain, and Sleep
Many heavy gamers (not only professionals) experience:
disrupted sleep cycles
reduced exercise and sunlight exposure
poor posture and pain complaints
fatigue and academic decline
Even without dramatic injury, chronic high-volume sitting plus late-night gaming can steadily reduce mood stability, motivation, and resilience.
Physical injuries are a real issue in esports. As orthopedic hand surgeon Dr. Levi Harrison explains, repetitive motion injuries often include wrist and hand problems: “Repetitive motion injuries come in many forms. There’s carpal tunnel syndrome, which compresses the median nerve in the wrist, causing pain and numbness.” (vice.com)
One professional player described how quickly pain can show up with high-volume play: “If I play for too long, I’ll get pain at the end of the day,” noting that too long meant eight hours. (cbsnews.com)
A related risk is that gaming culture can reward pushing through pain rather than responding early. As another pro player put it, “Of course, if we’re in the middle of something important, I’ll suck it up and keep going.” (vice.com)
What Adults Should Watch For
These are the signs that gaming may be shifting from hobby to impairment:
Grades falling or school avoidance increasing
Increasing irritability when gaming is limited
Sleep reversal or chronic sleep deprivation
Loss of interest in prior hobbies or relationships
Frequent missed appointments or poor follow-through
Social withdrawal from in-person peers
Escalation of time spent gaming despite consequences
Gaming becomes primary method of calming down, coping or feeling okay
When to Seek Professional Help
It is time to consider professional support when gaming-related impairment persists or worsens despite reasonable limits and support at home. Warning signs include:
School failure, chronic academic decline or school refusal
Severe sleep disruption or sleep reversal (staying up most of the night gaming)
Significant mood symptoms such as depression, panic, persistent anxiety or increasing irritability
Aggression, intimidation or unsafe behavior when gaming is restricted
Withdrawal from nearly all in-person activity, relationships or family interaction
Lying, stealing or other escalating behavior related to gaming access
Increasing substance use, including stimulants or heavy caffeine intake
Any self-harm behavior or suicidal thoughts
If a teen expresses suicidal ideation, threats of self-harm, or statements such as wanting to die, do not treat this as attention-seeking. Seek immediate assessment through emergency services, a crisis line, or a local emergency department.
Practical Strategies for Parents and Professionals
1) Don’t argue about gaming; argue for balance and functioning
A common mistake is focusing on gaming as bad. That creates a power struggle and misses the clinical point. The focus should be:
sleep
school engagement
physical health
responsibilities
relationships
emotional coping capacity
2) Use a Family Media Plan
The American Academy of Pediatrics recommends individualized boundaries rather than one universal safe hours rule. It emphasizes structured limits and screen-free times such as meals, bedtime, and time with friends. (aap.org)
3) Screen for mental health and comorbidity
If impairment is present, don’t treat gaming in isolation. Consider screening for:
depression
anxiety disorders
ADHD and executive functioning issues
social anxiety
trauma exposure
substance use patterns
4) Therapy: treat the function, not just the behavior
CBT approaches can be useful, especially if you target:
avoidance cycles
emotion regulation deficits
cognitive distortions (gaming is the only thing I’m good at)
identity foreclosure (I’m a gamer, that’s all)
behavioral activation and social exposure
5) Replace, not just restrict
Limiting gaming without adding structure often fails. A better plan is:
limit plus replacement activity
predictable schedule
graduated exposure to real-life competence (workouts, clubs, volunteering, group activities)
6) Physical activity as a mental health intervention
This is not a nice extra. For many teens, consistent physical activity improves:
sleep
mood
confidence
social exposure
stress tolerance
7) Build a dual-path future plan
A practical approach for teens who want esports:
keep gaming as a hobby or structured goal
continue school and career skill development
treat “going pro” as an aspiration, not the only plan
Final Thoughts
Gaming can be healthy recreation and real social connection. However, excessive gaming with functional impairment is associated with meaningful risks: emotional, behavioral, social, and physical.
Julio and Mary reflected a pattern commonly seen in adolescent work: gaming became an organizing identity and a coping strategy, while school engagement, sleep and in-person relationships eroded. The “going pro” fantasy can intensify this pattern when it becomes a justification for disengagement rather than a structured, balanced pursuit.
The healthier pathway is not demonizing gaming; it is restoring balance through structured limits, therapy when indicated, sleep stabilization, real-world activity and a realistic future plan that does not depend on an extremely rare outcome.
Ben Munck was born and raised in NJ. He earned his MSW from Rutgers and has been providing therapy to teenagers for the last three years. When he isn’t working, he enjoys rock climbing, concerts and international travel.
It’s been just over six years since I wrote my last article on suicide. The first suicide piece discussed my family’s experience with suicide and the horrible question that so many survivors ask. The second entry described how someone’s suicide feels like a nuclear bomb went off in your life and the suicide domino theory. The third post went over how almost every survivor asks “why did they do it?” and how there is never a satisfactory answer. It also dives into another terrible yet common survivor’s thought, “how come I didn’t see it?”
So many new things happened in those six years: I returned from my Army deployment; COVID impacted everyone in the world; my play was published, I created a bi-weekly Veterans group and a bi-monthly therapist group; my father died in my arms in Belize; I hiked every 4000 foot mountain in the Northeast; I’ve watched in horror on the assault of American laws; I spent a fortune on a series of massive home repairs; my Uncle died; I experienced two loving romantic relationships; and the Dodgers won three World Series.
Throughout those positive and negative events, I continued to give speeches and conduct trainings on suicide for the US Army, the New York State Police, several dozen labor unions, a variety of treatment programs and over 20 conferences.
Some grief is a bit more complex, as there can be some regret, guilt, anger, confusion or unresolved issues sprinkled in. Suicide often causes brutal complex grief in the survivors. When my close friend took his life, I experienced a deep sadness, occasional fits of anger towards him, misplaced guilt and confusion about why he did it. The best way to deal with complex grief after suicide is a combination of individual therapy, writing, group therapy and getting out in the world.
When I rejoined the Army in 2014, I was told by a few Colonels that the Army was highly motivated to reduce the high suicide rates of soldiers and Veterans. I told them that the Army would have to address its culture around alcohol, reduce the stigma of seeing a counselor and increase the number of Army counselors tenfold. The Colonels were incredulous and I told them they we should change their wording from highly motivated to slightly motivated.
Over the years, families, the media, public officials, schools, universities and therapists have all asked about or offered plans on how to prevent suicide. There was a pretty good article in the New York Times this past November that discussed the problems that therapists face:
Suicide rates continue to rise; it is now the third leading cause of death worldwide among those 15 to 29. But despite decades of research into suicide prevention, it is still very difficult to know whether someone will try to die by suicide. The most common method of assessing suicidal risk involves asking patients directly if they plan to harm themselves. While this is an essential question, some clinicians, including Dr. Galynker, say it is inadequate for predicting imminent suicidal behavior. A better solution, they say, is to identify and treat the symptoms that lead to a suicidal state of mind: a condition they call suicide crisis syndrome, or S.C.S.
Dr. Galynker, the director of the Suicide Prevention Research Lab at Mount Sinai in New York City, has said that relying on mentally ill people to disclose suicidal intent is “absurd.” Some patients may not be cognizant of their own mental state, he said, while others are determined to die and don’t want to tell anyone.
Schools of social work, counseling and psychology seem to love pushing the Columbia Suicide Severity Rating Scale. I believe it can be helpful in determining the depth of someone’s despair and their immediate and intermediate risk of attempt. However, I do not think it is a good way to assess if someone is having thoughts of suicide.
In 2010, I did a bit of a dive into Victor Frankl and I’ve been asking my clients about their purpose and community ever since. I found those that lack one or the other to be much more likely to be anxious or depressed or to engage in process disorders (alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex, food, shopping, video games, social media). Those lacking both were more likely to have some passing thoughts of suicide.
And yet, plenty of people without purpose or community are not suicidal. A vast majority of them, in fact. They aren’t happy and are operating at a sub-optimal level but they aren’t thinking about killing themselves. They unexcitedly drudge on through life, often to the exasperation of those that love them. A good therapist (or athletic coach or mentor or religious figure or teacher or wise older relative) might nudge them towards purpose or suggest a few communities.
Back to the suicidal people. A history of trauma is a risk factor. I have trained my students, interns and supervisees to use the Adult Trauma Checklist and the Stressful Life Events Screening Questionnaire to help explore a client’s background [To be clear, I do not want nervous mothers or concerned friends or frightened lovers to be using these psychological screening tools on those they are worried about. If you fit into any of those categories in the previous sentence, get that person to a therapist who understands trauma. And if you are a therapist, get them to see someone who isn’t you].
So, if someone lacks purpose and community and has a history of trauma, that’s a red flag. One side effect of trauma though, is that it can negatively effect one’s sense of self and therefore, their purpose and community. It’s a real chicken and the egg conundrum.
Everything I’ve written so far has been prelude to this: I ask three questions that can help address suicidality a little more [Again, to be clear, while I am writing this for everyone, I don’t want lay people asking these questions and then washing their hands of the situation].
Who do you care about in this world?
The more people named, the better. The more intense the level of care, the better. Pets are great. I treated a guy back in 2005, who, when he was arrested, thought about killing himself but didn’t because he didn’t know who would take care of his dog.
What kind of things do you like to do?
Sports. Books. Movies. TV. Video games. Travel. Eating. Museums. Plays. Parties. Painting. Swimming. Hiking. Puzzles. Comics. Shakespeare. Civil War Battlefields. Yoga. Biking. Pottery. Croquet. Gardening. Fixing cars. The more activities they like, the better. The higher the intensity, the better. The more expertise, the better. If they do these things with other people, the better.
What would you like to do in the future?
Do they want to watch their team win a Super Bowl one day? Do they want to travel to the South Pacific? Do they want to see their kid graduate from high school? Are they waiting for the next Radiohead tour? The more stuff they are looking forward to, the better. If they have stuff they want to do that’s a ways off in the future, the better.
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When someone can’t name anyone they care about, don’t have any activities that they enjoy and have no future plans, that is an alarming situation. I’m not going to hospitalize them or ship them off to rehab just on those answers, but it helps me get a much better grasp on the situation.
These questions aren’t foolproof. My friend who took his life in 2018 had lots of people he cared about (and cared about him), had loads of things he enjoyed and had a bunch of future plans. And he took his life anyway, to everyone’s surprise. Was it unresolved trauma that bubbled up to the surface one morning and overwhelmed him? Was he determined to die for a few weeks and was cagey about it? We’ll never know. That’s the horror of suicide. We can improve our screenings and treatments, but we will never get to zero suicides. We can try though. And we should.
The Next Chapter: Blessings, Loss, and the Long Work of Becoming
When my story was first published in 2015, it ended at redemption. I had survived addiction, incarceration, and reentry. I had graduated from college, earned my master’s degree, completed parole, and begun working in the very systems that once shaped my life from the other side. It was a story with momentum and resolution. It appeared whole and resolved.
And in many ways, it was.
But redemption is not the end of the story. It is the beginning of a much longer, messier chapter.
After the Applause
In the years that followed, life unfolded quickly. I got married. I began working with NJSTEP. I became a mother. I bought a home. From the outside, it looked like everything I had worked for was finally falling into place.
And in many ways, it was.
I was living the life I once prayed for.
Motherhood, however, cracked me open in ways sobriety never had. After my first child was born, I experienced prenatal and postpartum depression that I did not yet have language for. I was functional, high-achieving, and deeply unwell. I returned to work. I kept going. I told myself this was normal—that sadness, irritability, and emotional numbness were simply part of adjustment.
Then the losses began.
Grief Without Pause
Within a single year, I lost nine people—my grandmother, my uncle, my cousin, my aunt, my sponsor, and others I loved deeply. One loss followed another, barely leaving space to breathe in between. And then COVID arrived.
The world shut down. Grief became collective, but mine was already overflowing.
I was raising a toddler, caring for a newborn, navigating depression, and trying to function in a world that suddenly felt fragile and unsafe. I moved through my days on muscle memory and survival instinct—the same instincts that once kept me alive in addiction and incarceration, now reactivated in a different form.
I did not drink. I did not use.
But I was not okay.
The Illusion of “After”
There is a tendency to talk about an “after”—after sobriety, after prison, after trauma — as if there is a finish line where life becomes manageable and predictable. As if surviving the worst of it means the rest will be easier.
What I have learned is that healing does not eliminate pain; it changes how we hold it.
I had done many things right—and I had also made mistakes. I drifted away from meetings. I stopped asking for help. I withdrew from the community that had once held me and leaned almost entirely on my partner. Still, my marriage unraveled. Still, my mental health faltered. Still, life demanded more of me than I felt able to give.
By 2021, the relationship I believed would last my lifetime was breaking down. What followed were years of emotional turbulence—back-and-forth decisions, hope, disappointment, and the slow realization that love alone does not sustain safety or wholeness.
In 2024, I chose myself.
I chose stability.
I chose healing over familiarity.
That choice did not come with relief so much as responsibility—the responsibility to rebuild again, this time as a mother, a professional, and a woman who knows exactly how much she can survive.
A Shift in Belief
When I first got sober, structure saved my life. Ritual grounded me. Over time, my spirituality expanded beyond the confines of any single framework.
I explored what resonated and released what did not.
I stopped searching for certainty and started paying attention to alignment. I no longer believe spirituality shields us from suffering; I believe it helps us stay present inside it.
I still believe I am protected.
I still believe I have a purpose.
But I no longer believe purpose is static.
The Work That Remains
Today, I find myself at another crossroads.
My children are growing. My career is evolving. The systems I once fought to enter reveal their limitations more clearly. I carry lived experience, professional expertise, and a deeper understanding of how trauma, motherhood, grief, and survival intersect.
I am no longer interested in being a “success story” that reassures people everything works out neatly.
I am interested in telling the truth.
The truth is that healing is cyclical.
That stability can coexist with pain.
That purpose can change without disappearing.
And that surviving once does not exempt us from having to survive again.
What has changed is this: I trust myself now.
I trust my ability to ask for help.
I trust my intuition when something feels misaligned.
I trust that rebuilding does not mean starting over—it means building differently.
Moving Forward
If the first chapter of my life was about survival, and the second about redemption, then this chapter is about wholeness—learning how to live fully with everything I carry.
I am still sober.
I am still committed to justice, education, collective care—and to my children and the life we are building together.
I am still becoming.
And this time, I am allowing the story to remain unfinished.
Bill Moyers died in a NYC hospital on Thursday, June 26th. The Times got a fantastic piece out about him almost immediately. It discusses his role as President Johnson’s Press Secretary and public television journalist. He won over 30 Emmys (the current American President won zero).
It didn’t mention how he helped design the Peace Corps or get very much into his investigative journalism on the US Government. It only briefly mentioned his then wildly famous six-part interview with Joseph Campbell.
Still, it’s a great obituary and captures much of the man, at least as a professional. I long admired him and finally got to meet him when he was 81. He wasn’t diminished at all.
We met at a dinner party in NYC for Hazelden Betty Ford Board members in the winter of 2016. When my mother learned that Bill Moyers and Judy Collins would be there, she had me email the host to see if I could bring her along.
There were about thirty people at the event, and my mother somehow managed to sit right next to Bill at dinner. I had been hoping to ask him all about President Johnson and Dr. King and Robert Caro, but, alas, I only was able to exchange a few words about the 36th President with him.
Bill asked my Mom about where she grew up (Minnesota) and what she did (English teacher) and then peppered her with specific questions about the Midwest and the teaching profession. While I watched and listened, I figuratively prayed that she wouldn’t talk about how her sister killed my grandmother (a real dinner party downer). She didn’t; at least I don’t remember her talking about them.
On the drive back to New Jersey, I told her that we (well, she) missed a great opportunity to talk to one of the most connected American men of the second half of the 20th century. “He wanted to ask me questions,” she retorted. “He was very curious.”
That perfectly described Bill Moyers. Despite being the most interesting person at a pretty interesting dinner party, he interviewed my Mom. It made her feel special. And he learned a little bit more about Minnesota and public education.
Bill and I would talk a few more times over the next couple of years. I gave him some Cuban cigars. My Mom bought their dining room table when they sold their New Jersey home and gave it to me as a present. The table is notable because President Johnson, Maya Angelou, Hubert Humphries and a few dozen other true luminaries dined on it.
In the fall of 2017, I interviewed Bill and Judith and their son William at an event at Rutgers on addiction and family and public policy. William had a very public problem with drugs in the late 80s and early 90s and eventually got sober in 1994. Bill and Judith learned about addiction and became powerful advocates for treatment. Near the end of the interview, Nancy, their granddaughter, joined us on stage and talked about her own recovery as well. It was quite the moving scene.
A few days after the event, William posted this photo and wrote:
This is probably the last time my parents will take the stage to help me carry the messages of hope and healing that are the essence of my advocacy work at Hazelden Betty Ford. Judith and Bill have always walked the walk with me from the moment I hit bottom in 1989 (the first time) through the successes of my professional endeavors and through the lowest of personal lows of my human imperfections. In 28 years never have they wavered. And so here we are, one more time, last Friday at Rutgers sharing our family’s experience, strength and hope so that other families like ours can know that they are not alone and that recovery from addiction or mental illness is indeed possible.
We had lunch after the event. I told him about Ayad Akhtar’s “Junk” and urged him to see it at the Lincoln Center. “You must see it. If you don’t like it, I’ll pay for the ticket.”
He saw it twice and loved it. He thanked me via email. I passed that along to Ayad (whom I had just met when my father recognized him in the lobby after we had seen “Junk”). Ayad emailed Bill back.
In addition to the individual therapy I provide, I also conduct 5-session mental health evaluations. I find it both unprofessional and ludicrous that most agencies and clinicans diagnose someone in one or two sessions. If you are facing a problem with a job or school or legal issues, you want a highly trained and experienced professional with an ability to assess, diagnose and write to complete the evaluation upon which so much depends.
There are currently four social workers that work under me on a part-time basis. It is a diverse group that can handle a vast variety of problems and diagnoses. I have been involved in their training and supervision in all cases for several years and some for over decade. Prices for sessions with them range from $100 to $200 and can be conducted online or, in some cases, in person. I have full confidence in all of them. Additionally, there are about a half-dozen other therapists that I’ve trained or worked with in NJ that I am happy to recommend (and most of them take insurance and one of them takes medicaid).
Since the start of COVID, I’ve run a free, online group for Veterans every other Wednesday night starting at 8 pm. Sometimes I cut the group at 9, other times we stay on until 920 or so if the topic is heavy. The most common issues that members bring to group are, in order, marital /divorce, PTSD, alcohol problems, back injuries and/or a general sense of feeling purposeless. It’s a support group, not clincial. There are no records or notes. Potential members must be screened by me before their first group.
Also since 2020, I’ve run a free support group for therapists. We meet every 4 to 8 weeks, online. Most of the participants are former students or trainees or employees or colleagues. Interested professionals should email me.
Finally, I’ve updated my presentation page. While I continue to speak around the country on both suicide and marijuana, my most popular talks over the last year have been on social isolation and social media (they are often combined into one presentation). I’ve also recently created a training to address sports gambling by young males.
When I was in Mexico this winter, I met a 30 year old man from Seattle who had just been let go from Google. His undergraduate degree was from Yale and his graduate degree was from MIT. “Surely I thought my educational background would protect me,” he said as we ate before a long hike up a volcano.
He had spent the last year working on projects related to utilizing AI to handle tasks that human workers had previously been able to complete. “I knew some of the employees that were working on the project would be let go, but I didn’t think it would happen to me.”
I expect we’ll hear that refrain over and over through the rest of the 2020’s.
In January, a few news outlets asked, “If the economy is doing so well, then why are so many tech companies laying off workers?”
Those outlets engaged in what I consider to be both lazy and irresponsible journalism. Tech was doing very well in January; they are doing even better now, eight months later. Their executives and boards found that AI could handle the jobs of a several thousand workers at a fraction of the cost. That’s what happened to the young man from Google who I met on that Mexican volcano.
This will happen more and more over the next few years.
A couple weeks later, I met a 35 year old New Yorker who worked for Amazon 25 hours a week while living in Mexico City. “There is shit I can do that AI can’t yet. But I have no illusions. I easily make Amazon about 20 million dollars a year, but eventually AI will be able to do my job. I figure I have about three years.”
We had met at an AA meeting and he reached out to me a few days later to meet for coffee. “I have to figure out what I’m going to do next.”
Twenty years ago, I was told that any job that can be moved overseas will be moved overseas. Fourteen years ago, I told my Rutgers students that any job that could be done by someone on a computer would be at risk for losing it to someone who lived in a cheaper area in the US or another country. Now the question one has to ask is, “Can my job be done by AI right now? What about in five years?”
AI will probably continue to improve at writing, but highly skilled writers should continue to keep their (sadly) underpaid jobs.
Here are the skills that are (currently) AI proof:
Managing people. This is different than training. This is dealing with how workers’ soft skills and personal lives affect their jobs and getting them to complete tasks. You have to have some basic people skills. The better you are at this, the safer you’ll be. If you are shy or don’t like people, you may be in a bit of trouble.
Public speaking. As of yet, there aren’t any AI robots that can get up in front of a crowd and deliver a speech that hits on a bunch of different emotions. This is an incredibly rare skill, but it can be developed and improved with practice.
Complex problem solving in a fast paced setting. AI still hasn’t figured out how to handle more advanced problems on the fly, so if you are someone who is cool under pressure and has a lot of experience coming up with solutions to sudden and random crises, you are good. For now.
Sharing of self to help others. AI will never know what it’s like to lose a friend to suicide or have a parent die in their arms. AI can’t connect with someone in the throes of addiction and show by example that there is a solution. AI will never know heartbreak, or financial insecurity or the fear of physical decline. A good social worker knows when to strategically share experiences like these to help a client.
One more thing to think about: if your work can be done in person, try to do it in person. For social workers who do case management or individual or group therapy, you are (a) usually more effective with your clients if you meet them in person and (b) you are less likely to be replaced by an AI therapy chat bot.
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