I’ve received several versions of this question in recent weeks:

“I’m hosting, XXXX is coming home, and I’ve decided not to serve alcohol. When I shared that decision, some family members pushed back. One person said alcohol wasn’t XXXX’s main issue, so it shouldn’t be a big deal. I tried to explain that I’m doing this to be supportive, but I’m not sure how to respond clearly or confidently.”

While the last five to six weeks of the year are marketed as joyful celebrations, many people describe the holidays as stressful, something to be endured or survived. Over the years, clients have described holiday stress coming from some combination of the following:

• unresolved family conflict
• being forced to see people they otherwise would not
• disappointment in themselves or where their life is
• recent breakups or divorce
• being single or childless when they did not expect to be
• separation from children
• financial or legal stress
• politics
• and very often, alcohol or other substances

Data consistently show increases between Thanksgiving and New Year’s Day in depression, drunk driving, domestic violence, suicide attempts and emergency room visits. Alcohol and other substances directly cause or significantly worsen many of these outcomes.

I realize this is my typical professorial move — context before answer. Here is the answer.

Some clear points to keep in mind

1. I define early recovery as the first two years. Very early recovery is the first 90 days.
2. People are far more likely to relapse in early recovery than in long-term recovery.
3. In early recovery, many people are still unsure of themselves. They are often poor at setting boundaries, advocating for their needs or tolerating social pressure. Some want very badly to appear normal or unaffected.
4. If someone had a problem with heroin, opioids, cocaine or meth, they should avoid all substances, including alcohol and marijuana. I have known hundreds — probably thousands — of people who believed they could safely drink or use marijuana after quitting harder drugs. Most learned they could not. Many returned to their drug of choice.
5. People in early recovery are routinely asked questions like:
   “So does that mean you can’t have a glass of wine?” or
   “Does it bother you if I drink?”
   These questions are often asked publicly and place unfair pressure on someone who may not yet be able to answer them honestly or confidently.
6. If you want to be supportive, make family gatherings substance-free during the first two years.
   Don’t make it a debate. Don’t put it to a vote. Just do it. If other family members object, invite them to attend a family education group, Al-Anon, an AA meeting or to read this piece. Those who are most reactive often need to look at their own relationship with substances.
7. I actively encourage people in early recovery to avoid events with substance use. In long-term recovery, people make different choices. Some remain avoidant. Others attend events where alcohol is present. Both are valid. Personally, I don’t mind being around people who drink. I strongly dislike being around people who are drunk. They are more likely to be loud, rude, chaotic, not funny and poorly regulated. I avoid certain events and relatives. I host substance-free gatherings. No one who truly matters to me has ever objected.

The bottom line

Choosing not to serve alcohol is not punishment.
It is not moralizing.
It is not overreacting.

It is a clear, generous and evidence-based way to support someone in early recovery.

If that makes other people uncomfortable, that discomfort is theirs to examine.