I recently recognized that I haven’t written about how to handle death anniversaries and holidays in any of my grief articles, despite the fact that this is something I work on with all my grieving patients.
The first year after a death is a massive readjustment period. The first Father’s or Mother’s Day, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukkah, Eid al-Fitr and birthdays often loom large. Common thoughts and statements include:
- “How do I celebrate now?”
- “I miss him.”
- “It won’t be the same.”
- “I don’t want to do anything.”
- “Thinking about it makes me upset.”
You have the right not to celebrate. You have the right to not plan anything. You have the right to sit in grief.
However, I think those are very ill-conceived choices.
Without addressing grief, without addressing looming dates, people often not only struggle with holidays, but regular numerical reminders and whole seasons. Unaddressed grief intensifies and spreads.
One client’s sister took her life on March 13th. His father posts pictures and stories on Facebook on the 13th of every month. Another client’s husband took his life in October, and for almost two years, the entire Fall season was difficult.
Besides individual counseling, grief groups, writing, connecting with others and sometimes finding new purposes, I work with clients on planning for upcoming holidays and anniversaries. Here is the playbook:
- Make a plan to do something on the holiday or birthday or first death anniversary.
- Negotiate and discuss with others what that plan will be. Even if there are other grieving family members who don’t want to do anything or are indecisive, you should still make a plan.
- Whatever the plan is, do it in the morning. Otherwise, much of the day is spent thinking and worrying over how it is going to go, how you will feel and how others might respond. If there is a big family meal in the late afternoon or dinner, I think it is wise to say something about the departed, that you miss them and love them and, hey, remember when they said or did this at the last holiday? Give people space to laugh or cry or sit uncomfortably or run out of the room. Do not lengthen or manage it. Move on with the holiday.
- For the first death anniversary: installing a tombstone, visiting a grave and reading or telling stories are all excellent plans. After the first death anniversary, I don’t suggest continuing to mark the date. However, if one can find a purpose with the date, that might work. For a few years, I had my friend Eric Arauz come and talk to my high school students about addiction on my friend Frazier’s death anniversary.
- In January, my Mom texted me that it was her Mom’s death anniversary and that she was sad. She died in 1979. I told her that it was probably more about her brother Bryan, who died in March of the previous year, making this the first time that she didn’t have a sibling to talk to about missing her parents. I suggested that she engage in some activity her Mom liked and go do something positive. She recognized that she was grieving her brother. This is common; anniversaries often activate other losses. She ended up going to the gym and went swimming.
- I’ve told people to eat some food that their Dad liked on his birthday (as long as they liked it too). I’ve had others do things with their daughters that they used to do with their sisters. This shifts grief from passive recall to active behavior.
- If you feel overwhelmed, you can have a long cry. But, do not stay in bed all day. Do not isolate. Get up, shower and go be around other people. Even if you don’t want to. Go do something even mildly productive.
I’m currently running a grief group. During the first session, many of the participants stated that they were comforted that they weren’t alone. “I have been so overwhelmed with sadness and I’ve also been angry at the rest of the world for just moving along,” one member started, “and to hear that other people experience this makes me feel a little bit better.”
Early on, grief can feel insurmountable. Looking back on it, we can remember it was painful but perhaps not even grasp how debilitating it felt. Grief writing plus therapy plus planning can help process and reduce the intensity over time.
Do not allow birthdays, holidays and death anniversaries to dominate your thinking or fill you with dread. Make a plan and follow through.