The 93-year-old woman was waiting in her car. The passenger door opened and her 67-year-old son got in. She asked him how it went and he said fine. The word and tone were familiar, as she had been hearing it from him for over 50 years.
She was driving because her son had lost his license after another DUI.
I learned about her case because a graduate student of mine was working with her. They were working on what happens to him when she dies.
Whenever I tell that story to a room full of families, I’m met with a mixture of gasps and stunned silence. Because so many of them see the ghost of Christmas future.
This is the cost of good intentions.
Enabling is doing something for someone that they should be doing for themselves or protecting someone from earned negative consequences.
It feels like love.
It often looks like loyalty.
It functions as avoidance.
There was a woman who had been in multi-family group for a couple of months. One day, seemingly out of the blue, she blurted out “I’m the chief enabler.”
She cried.
In groups over the next few months, when new parents introduced themselves, she would say “I’m Susan. I’m the Chief Enabler.”
The psychoeducation in multi-family group, Al-Anon attendance and her own therapy helped her towards recognizing her role and behaviors. One she saw it, she changed. And her son got better. Significantly and often lost in the tumult of a son in treatment, she got better too.
Enabling behavior includes:
- Giving money
- Paying legal fees.
- Defending their bad behavior.
- Calling employers with excuses.
- Making appointments.
- Opening mail.
- Listening to them gripe for two hours a day.
- Complaining about “how others treat them.”
- Lying to family members.
- Taking over responsibilities.
- Driving them after DUIs.
- Threatening consequences and not following through.
- Allowing them to live at home without expectations.
Every one of these lowers the cost of the addiction.
Every one of these delays their ability to see themselves clearly.
Meanwhile, the enabler often suffers through some combination of anxiety, resentment, embarrassment and identity collapse.
This is the social normalization of dysfunction. It can repeat multi-generational blue-red patterns.
It can lead to a 93-year-old woman driving her 67-year-old son around to his appointments.
Enabling is not compassion, forgiveness, patience or support.
Support says “I love you and I will not help you destroy yourself.”
In Al-Anon, parents, spouses and loved ones learn the three C’s:
- I didn’t cause it.
- I can’t control it.
- I can’t cure it.
So, stop giving money. Stop defending their bad behavior. Stop listening to them gripe on the phone for two hours a day. Stop driving them around after a DUI. Stop threatening consequences and not following through.
If they crash, it may interrupt the illusion.
If you cushion, you extend it.
You cannot prevent all harm. You can stop participating in it.
Short stretches of sobriety do not equal restored trust.
Boundaries are not cruelty. They are math.
If you value accountability,
your behavior must reflect it.
If you value dignity,
your behavior must reflect it.
If you value love,
your behavior must reflect it.
Live your values.