From the Greenagel Equations
The Greenagel Equations are a set of practical frameworks developed between 2005 and 2008 in school, outpatient and family treatment settings. They were built in rooms, not in theory, and have been used with students, families, law enforcement, veterans and therapists.
Every relationship you have ever had fits into one of three sets: Blue-Blue, Blue-Red or Red-Red.
Romance, family, work, strangers.
The Blue represents healthy behavior. The Red represents unhealthy behavior. Red behaviors include but are not limited to yelling, insults, breaking promises, public humiliation, lying and cheating.
Which relationship type is stable?
Blue-Blue is stable. I’m healthy to you, you are healthy to me.
But Red-Red is also stable. And stability does not equal health.
One cold December day I was walking in Elizabeth. I came up on an old couple. They were shrunken and slow moving. They were dressed neatly. I thought “what a cute couple.” As I got close, I heard one sharply say, “you didn’t send the fucking Christmas cards!” I was horrified.
They were Red-Red. And, I’m speculating here, they had probably been Red-Red for fifty years. This can last decades. In fact, it can be passed down from father to son, grandmother to granddaughter.
Both parties operate on the same rules. Escalation is mutual. Neither expects regulation. The chaos is normalized.
What about Blue-Red?
It’s unstable. It can’t stay this way forever.
The Blue person here often wonders if they are crazy. They are playing by Blue rules. The Red partner is not. The Blue partner assumes fairness. The Red partner assumes dominance or chaos. That destabilization creates anxiety, self-doubt and hypervigilance.
What does the Blue want?
For the Red to become Blue.
It’s the least common outcome.
What is more likely to happen?
Blue becomes Red.
At some point, Blue cracks. They say something awful. They yell. Maybe they act out by drinking, gambling or cheating. The point is, by staying in the relationship where they keep living with bad behavior, they slowly morph into Red. This is the most common outcome.
There is a third outcome though.
Blue leaves.
In couples or family therapy, I try to help Blue figure out if they are turning Red, they should try to set boundaries or leave.
I usually try to get Blue to leave. But if Red shows some willingness to work on themselves to change, they can wait around a bit longer, if they want. It depends on a few factors, including safety, how long this has been going on and how much damage has already been done.
I was treating a cop. His wife wanted a divorce after 18 years. He was devastated. He tried to save it. No. So he did everything she asked, hoping he would win her back. She was mean. He thought he was Blue-Red. I told him he was Red-Red, because he was unhealthy too. Not unhealthy mean, but unhealthy accommodating. He eventually got better. Then he started dating Mary. Mary really liked him and wanted to settle down. He liked her, but not as much as she liked him. And he didn’t want to settle down. From his perspective, she was Red and he was Blue. I told him because he was leading her on, knowing that she thought he would change but he never would, he was in fact Red. He saw it clearly. And he finally broke it off.
Red and Blue are behaviors, not identities. The same person can be Red in one relationship and Blue in another.
Red doesn’t mean evil. It doesn’t always mean cruel. It just means unhealthy. Excessive accommodation. Self-erasure. Begging for love.
Almost everyone has been Red in some relationship in their life. When we recognize it, we gain some wisdom. When we start to change from Red to Blue, that is real growth.
Once you have labeled your relationships, you can figure out which ones you want to put more time into and which ones you should cut, and which ones might be worth a little effort to save through change.
If your behavior depends entirely on how someone else behaves, you are not free.
Choose carefully.