From the Greenagel Equations
The Greenagel Equations are a set of practical frameworks developed between 2005 and 2008 in schools, outpatient and family treatment settings. They were built in rooms, not in theory, and have been used with students, families, law enforcement, veterans and therapists.
I had a drinking problem when I was 18. It was hard to get alcohol. A friend of mine said there was an old lady in a town about 15 miles north of us that would buy it for us. She was 30. She lived in a ramshackle apartment building. The inside was dirty and sparsely furnished. She was smoking and there were a couple of pots on the stove. There were two kids, a girl who was maybe six and a boy who looked eight. There were two old people. I asked if they were her parents. “No, I watch over disabled older people. They’re nice enough,” she giggled. And then, “let’s go.”
I was startled. She meant to leave the kids and the disabled old people alone with the pots cooking on the stove. I didn’t like that. She was at the door with her bag and looked at me. “Let’s go.”
I turned and followed her out the door. I knew better and moved forward anyway. On the drive to the store, in the parking lot and on the way back, my whole body was churning. “This is wrong,” I thought. “I wasn’t raised like this. Those people should have never been left alone.”
My heart was pounding when we got back to her apartment. Everything was fine. The boy had made macaroni and cheese. Nothing had happened. It didn’t matter. It could have. I was horrified. My desire for alcohol had caused me to do an awful thing. I betrayed my values of protecting others by putting four vulnerable people in danger. I look back on that afternoon with piercing regret and deep shame.
I intentionally got blackout drunk as fast as possible. It was the only time I actually drank to blackout. The other times, it had been a side effect of my heavy drinking. This time I planned to get blotto. It temporarily helped. When I woke up, the regret washed back over.
This is not about my problem with alcohol at 18.
This is about behavior misaligned with values.
Looking at this matrix, my values were high but my behavior was low. I was in conflict. I felt guilt and then shame. If my behavior had matched my values, I would have felt whole. If my values had been selfish, I wouldn’t have felt anything at all.
I was working at Hunterdon Drug Awareness (HDAP) in the summer of 2005 and running groups in jail for men and women. One of the clients in there was a 19-year-old man who had been arrested eight times in the last year for marijuana possession, including twice on the same day. He was in jail this time because he tested positive for marijuana while on probation. He loved smoking weed but didn’t want to be in jail. On the spot, I drew up this matrix.
“Let’s say that saying ‘I don’t want to be in jail’ is a high value. Therefore, ‘I don’t care if I’m in jail is the low value.'” On this, he agreed. I continued, “Based on the fact that you are on probation and have been told you cannot smoke weed, we’ll put staying away from weed as a high behavior and smoking as a low behavior. Because you are on probation.” He begrudgingly agreed.
I showed him that his values were high but his behaviors were low.
“Either stop smoking weed and stay out of jail or change your values and accept jail as a consequence.”
The room went silent.
He saw it.
The fantasy he wanted:
Bad behavior + good value outcome.
That. Does. Not. Exist.
Most people don’t suffer because they lack values.
They suffer because they want the outcome their values promise without changing the behavior they require.
That is behavioral-values dissonance.
It’s painful.
This applies to:
Career. “I value excellence.” Do the minimum.
Marriage. “I value loyalty.” Cheat.
Parenting. “I value presence.” Always on phone.
Friendship. “I value honesty.” Avoid hard conversations.
Nation. “We value rule of law.” Ignore it when convenient.
At some point in their lives, almost everyone has betrayed their values.
Behavioral change is not about:
Self-esteem. Validation. Affirmations.
It’s about:
- Clarifying your values.
- Auditing your behavior.
- Closing the gap.
No one escapes this math.
Live your values.